It makes him feel guilty. Makes him feel like he's doing the wrong things. Not that that's new. But he's not sure else how he's supposed to be operating. Before he saw a vast field of opportunities for them, things he had since stopped dreaming for himself. A life and a partner. Steve fit the bill in almost every single way, better than Tony could have ever imagined. And certainly more than he's ever deserved. This much he's very aware of. But now?
He doesn't know what to do with himself. Part of him so desperately wants to give in. Let Steve's optimism and planning carry the two of them through this- but where does it end up? If them pursuing this together just leads them to ruin anyway, why not just- ...why not just walk away now?
It's just that he's weak. Steve's one of the very few people who know just how much. The cracks in the armor, the extended days of being unwell. Might as well be his whole life now. From problems that date too far back to fix at this point. One of them central to him still just standing there holding his arms across his chest while Steve's trying to pull him in. One that still just lives and breathes ugliness inside of him day in and day out no matter how quiet it gets. And it's that exact one that gets a sharp single-note bark of a laugh out of him.
"Yeah well. He always liked you better, anyway." He never stopped looking for Steve, even if his search efforts slowed and petered off the older he got and the more responsibility he was supposed to have. Steve Rogers, who was practically Howard's greatest creation. Except. You know. He had a son. A son who could never live up to all that. Only posthumously did he try to correct that and Tony's still trying to figure out how he's supposed to feel about that. This- this right now is not what he needs.
Yet maybe by the end of it he'll have some release. Some solace. His parents were murdered. That's a fact that's hard enough to contend with on its own. One of them he didn't get along with at all and- some nights he thinks about their last conversation. More than he'd ever admit. It's making all of this harder than it has to be. Making him feel vulnerable. Raw. Exposed. In front of someone who already knows him back to front, mostly. And even still he just wants it to stop. "You wanna help me do what, exactly? Pull me off the path of your pal." Which sounds to Tony like a distraction. "I just need-"
He needs to do something about this. He needs to act. Needs to put all of this somewhere and make someone pay. Make it right. Even if there's no secret love lost between him and his dad, and that's something he'll work out later, his mom didn't deserve this. And everyone responsible for it should face some consequence. Howard included. Though there's little he can do about that now. He's holding himself so tightly his muscles ache, a slight tremble in his shoulders. "I need to see this all the way through. I don't think you can do that with me."
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He doesn't know what to do with himself. Part of him so desperately wants to give in. Let Steve's optimism and planning carry the two of them through this- but where does it end up? If them pursuing this together just leads them to ruin anyway, why not just- ...why not just walk away now?
It's just that he's weak. Steve's one of the very few people who know just how much. The cracks in the armor, the extended days of being unwell. Might as well be his whole life now. From problems that date too far back to fix at this point. One of them central to him still just standing there holding his arms across his chest while Steve's trying to pull him in. One that still just lives and breathes ugliness inside of him day in and day out no matter how quiet it gets. And it's that exact one that gets a sharp single-note bark of a laugh out of him.
"Yeah well. He always liked you better, anyway." He never stopped looking for Steve, even if his search efforts slowed and petered off the older he got and the more responsibility he was supposed to have. Steve Rogers, who was practically Howard's greatest creation. Except. You know. He had a son. A son who could never live up to all that. Only posthumously did he try to correct that and Tony's still trying to figure out how he's supposed to feel about that. This- this right now is not what he needs.
Yet maybe by the end of it he'll have some release. Some solace. His parents were murdered. That's a fact that's hard enough to contend with on its own. One of them he didn't get along with at all and- some nights he thinks about their last conversation. More than he'd ever admit. It's making all of this harder than it has to be. Making him feel vulnerable. Raw. Exposed. In front of someone who already knows him back to front, mostly. And even still he just wants it to stop. "You wanna help me do what, exactly? Pull me off the path of your pal." Which sounds to Tony like a distraction. "I just need-"
He needs to do something about this. He needs to act. Needs to put all of this somewhere and make someone pay. Make it right. Even if there's no secret love lost between him and his dad, and that's something he'll work out later, his mom didn't deserve this. And everyone responsible for it should face some consequence. Howard included. Though there's little he can do about that now. He's holding himself so tightly his muscles ache, a slight tremble in his shoulders. "I need to see this all the way through. I don't think you can do that with me."