If he had let himself walk away, it might have been easier. Severing the connection from halfway across the room would have been just a little easier even if it would have killed him, even if he'd have been stewing about it for months. Losing himself down a rabbit hole of grief and anger, no doubt. Like this, with Steve's hands on him, so close, and the way he he's looking at him-
He feels that need. To just fold himself into Steve's arms, rest his head at his shoulder. Let him devise a plan that makes all of this make sense. Let Steve lead the two of them into the field and they'll work through this together. But he refrains. It's because he wants it so badly, because he wants to hang on to this life that they're still building around each other, that he doesn't want to be as weak as they both must know he is. Because he is.
Steve did everything right. Tony also has to reconcile with that. As his partner, not necessarily Bucky's friend, Steve did everything right. He found information in the field, damning information, that he could have hid or destroyed or altered, damn the consequences later. But Steve's too decent a person for that. He brought it to Tony no matter how it played out. And even still he's trying his hardest while Tony's just...
He heaves a sigh from somewhere deep in his lungs, eyes closing for a moment, head tilting forward in a slight hang. Is there ever going to be a point where their lives aren't beset by such ridiculous complications constantly? Probably not.
After a moment his gaze lifts to Steve's, finally. There's so much fog surrounding him. He wants to run. Not face this right now and just get to work. "And if we're not? Because I'm trying to let you do it right now. Make the choice. If it comes down to it later, it'll be worse." If they go on this mission together and at the end of it they find the Winter Soldier and Tony hasn't gotten what he feels like he needs out of this, what then? Steve will pick. And Tony's confident it won't be him. He knows. He's no one's first choice. Aside that, he and Steve are only just starting. Even if the love is unfathomably deep, so much so that it's a momentous task to ask Steve to just let him go even now, he and Bucky have too much history for it to be Tony that gets the consideration.
It just won't happen. In that he knows he's not trying to spare Steve. He's selfishly trying to help himself. What else is new. The corner of his mouth quirks up in a grin, even as his brows draw together, casting a perfectly bittersweet expression across his face. "I wouldn't pick me, either. No hard feelings, okay?" Everything will be okay if he just shelters inside himself, puts the walls up. Makes a joke out of it. The best way he knows to keep himself safe. "Promise I won't hold it against you for the rest of our lives."
no subject
He feels that need. To just fold himself into Steve's arms, rest his head at his shoulder. Let him devise a plan that makes all of this make sense. Let Steve lead the two of them into the field and they'll work through this together. But he refrains. It's because he wants it so badly, because he wants to hang on to this life that they're still building around each other, that he doesn't want to be as weak as they both must know he is. Because he is.
Steve did everything right. Tony also has to reconcile with that. As his partner, not necessarily Bucky's friend, Steve did everything right. He found information in the field, damning information, that he could have hid or destroyed or altered, damn the consequences later. But Steve's too decent a person for that. He brought it to Tony no matter how it played out. And even still he's trying his hardest while Tony's just...
He heaves a sigh from somewhere deep in his lungs, eyes closing for a moment, head tilting forward in a slight hang. Is there ever going to be a point where their lives aren't beset by such ridiculous complications constantly? Probably not.
After a moment his gaze lifts to Steve's, finally. There's so much fog surrounding him. He wants to run. Not face this right now and just get to work. "And if we're not? Because I'm trying to let you do it right now. Make the choice. If it comes down to it later, it'll be worse." If they go on this mission together and at the end of it they find the Winter Soldier and Tony hasn't gotten what he feels like he needs out of this, what then? Steve will pick. And Tony's confident it won't be him. He knows. He's no one's first choice. Aside that, he and Steve are only just starting. Even if the love is unfathomably deep, so much so that it's a momentous task to ask Steve to just let him go even now, he and Bucky have too much history for it to be Tony that gets the consideration.
It just won't happen. In that he knows he's not trying to spare Steve. He's selfishly trying to help himself. What else is new. The corner of his mouth quirks up in a grin, even as his brows draw together, casting a perfectly bittersweet expression across his face. "I wouldn't pick me, either. No hard feelings, okay?" Everything will be okay if he just shelters inside himself, puts the walls up. Makes a joke out of it. The best way he knows to keep himself safe. "Promise I won't hold it against you for the rest of our lives."