He feels like he did something right. Did the right thing for once, instead of the thing that causes the most destruction. He's not really good at picking the correct course of action in the seconds something is happening but usually he ends up at the right conclusion if he keeps working. His emotions are roiling right now and if it had been anyone else, if it had been in any earlier stage of their relationship, he already knows he would've severed the tie between them and left on his own.
But he can't. More importantly he can't do that to Steve. Maybe the revelation is a little startling. When Steve cranes in, when he smiles, no matter how small or apprehensive, Tony finally feels like he picked the right thing. Which should be obvious, shouldn't it? Because he's picking Steve.
"You're gonna have to work around me- I'm not used to- ...this," he says in all its painful honesty. "Okay? We're over the part where I try to ruin everything. Now we're into the part where I feel antsy." Which is a subsection of also trying to ruin everything. But hey, if he acknowledges he knows he's this way, it can't all be that bad, right? That's what he's going with for now.
"And that includes ditching. Saw right through that one." Steve knows him too well. The inclination to take off is very strong. "I don't even know that I necessarily want to be alone," he continues, rambling now because there's too much mess upstairs and he hasn't had time to sort through it all. He's frustrated and angry and confused and has about a million hypothetical tabs open in his brain. "It's a little late in the day to start reconn work on Fury. I guess I could put out some feelers for Hill. But I-"
He practically runs out of air, petering off and then taking a deep breath in through his nose. His problem is he doesn't know what he wants or how to abate this tangle of feelings without his usual methods. Which are, roughly, self-isolation and ruin. "At the risk of sounding like an insane person after spending a half hour telling you to go, I'm gonna do another one-eighty back around and say I'd feel better, too. If we stayed together." He is a crazy person. Oh well. At least he's trying to be as honest as possible. Even if that does leave him feeling exposed.
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But he can't. More importantly he can't do that to Steve. Maybe the revelation is a little startling. When Steve cranes in, when he smiles, no matter how small or apprehensive, Tony finally feels like he picked the right thing. Which should be obvious, shouldn't it? Because he's picking Steve.
"You're gonna have to work around me- I'm not used to- ...this," he says in all its painful honesty. "Okay? We're over the part where I try to ruin everything. Now we're into the part where I feel antsy." Which is a subsection of also trying to ruin everything. But hey, if he acknowledges he knows he's this way, it can't all be that bad, right? That's what he's going with for now.
"And that includes ditching. Saw right through that one." Steve knows him too well. The inclination to take off is very strong. "I don't even know that I necessarily want to be alone," he continues, rambling now because there's too much mess upstairs and he hasn't had time to sort through it all. He's frustrated and angry and confused and has about a million hypothetical tabs open in his brain. "It's a little late in the day to start reconn work on Fury. I guess I could put out some feelers for Hill. But I-"
He practically runs out of air, petering off and then taking a deep breath in through his nose. His problem is he doesn't know what he wants or how to abate this tangle of feelings without his usual methods. Which are, roughly, self-isolation and ruin. "At the risk of sounding like an insane person after spending a half hour telling you to go, I'm gonna do another one-eighty back around and say I'd feel better, too. If we stayed together." He is a crazy person. Oh well. At least he's trying to be as honest as possible. Even if that does leave him feeling exposed.