He's so in his own head and miles away that Steve reaching for his phone gets no notice. But taking it snaps him back to. A noise of annoyance is quick to clutch at the back of his throat, but it quickly dies into just an airy exhale when Steve pulls him in. The urge to resist is high, not because he doesn't want it or doesn't need it, he does. So very badly. Something he realizes the moment he's enclosed so thoroughly. But the thought of looking so fallen, so weak, that Steve knows what to do is about as warming as it is frustrating and embarrassing.
He's not a kid anymore. He hasn't been for a long time. He's been an adult longer than he'd been in childhood. Grieving his parents' deaths like they're fresh doesn't seem right. He doesn't want to. Yet he feels helpless. Driven by emotions far beyond his control. Things he can't sort through right now. He doesn't want to appear this way in front of Steve but it's a little too late for that.
Anger would've been easier. He should've stayed in that mode.
Now, after absorbing enough shock and thinking through it enough to know that reeling out of Steve's arms isn't the best move- not even for Steve's benefit but his own- he allows himself to just have it. In what he assures himself is just a selfish need rather than seeking comfort. Even though that's exactly what it is. He lays his head at Steve's shoulder, arms winding low around him, hands traveling up the length of his back before catching in his shirt and grasping there.
If there's anything he doesn't want to deal with right now it's this. And it's why through one painful gulp of air and the next he jokes, "Sorry. I'm not usually this much of a mess." As if throughout the entirety of his life he's been anything but. He soaks Steve in so thoroughly, even though his face is hidden at Steve's shoulder he squeezes his eyes shut tight.
And right into his shoulder without moving or letting go he offers, "We should order. You said you were hungry." They should, so he can get into the process of cleaning himself up and shutting all this off. Work. Anything. Just not this. But he doesn't move away. Not sure yet that he can while Steve's offering so much. He feels pathetic, but they're already there. It's already too late. He'll do damage control later, not really understanding that that's not something that's expected of him when they're this far into their relationship. This should be normal but for him it's just anything but.
no subject
He's not a kid anymore. He hasn't been for a long time. He's been an adult longer than he'd been in childhood. Grieving his parents' deaths like they're fresh doesn't seem right. He doesn't want to. Yet he feels helpless. Driven by emotions far beyond his control. Things he can't sort through right now. He doesn't want to appear this way in front of Steve but it's a little too late for that.
Anger would've been easier. He should've stayed in that mode.
Now, after absorbing enough shock and thinking through it enough to know that reeling out of Steve's arms isn't the best move- not even for Steve's benefit but his own- he allows himself to just have it. In what he assures himself is just a selfish need rather than seeking comfort. Even though that's exactly what it is. He lays his head at Steve's shoulder, arms winding low around him, hands traveling up the length of his back before catching in his shirt and grasping there.
If there's anything he doesn't want to deal with right now it's this. And it's why through one painful gulp of air and the next he jokes, "Sorry. I'm not usually this much of a mess." As if throughout the entirety of his life he's been anything but. He soaks Steve in so thoroughly, even though his face is hidden at Steve's shoulder he squeezes his eyes shut tight.
And right into his shoulder without moving or letting go he offers, "We should order. You said you were hungry." They should, so he can get into the process of cleaning himself up and shutting all this off. Work. Anything. Just not this. But he doesn't move away. Not sure yet that he can while Steve's offering so much. He feels pathetic, but they're already there. It's already too late. He'll do damage control later, not really understanding that that's not something that's expected of him when they're this far into their relationship. This should be normal but for him it's just anything but.